Hurdles and Mountains pt 2

​         I unrolled my mat on the deck.  The birds were chirping, and the garden was humming with bugs and beauty.  "That wasn’t so hard" I thought to myself regarding the ease and tranquility of sitting on my mat amidst the gorgeous landscape of my home.  I brought my coffee- a classic way to distract myself from yoga.  I sipped my drink and chose some seated postures and movements.
         The pain and creaking of my body has taken over my existence.  The ache colors all that I see, think and experience.  I wake up in stiff, dull, throbbing discomfort and proceed to struggle throughout the day.  By the evening, I am unhappy and I've assigned that dissatisfaction to whatever is in my path- I am upset.  I am upset with my friends, coworker, partner, family, home, the weather, my grumpy dog, I am upset with myself, I don’t like my body, I don’t get dressed up anymore, my stomach look swollen, I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks, I'll have a smoke and some wine to wind down and change my thought patterns.  I go to sleep, I wake up multiple times throughout the night from my body screaming at me with more pain for whatever contorted posture I am resting in.
         But today I have made it onto my mat where I will finally fix myself.  I couldn't go to the class last night because my hands were utterly overworked from massage and gardening.  The symptoms of systematic flare up are glaring at me as my tendons pulse in my fingers, wrists, elbows and shoulders.  I did the responsible thing yesterday and bowed out from a vinyasa class while promising myself I would practice on my own- my own practice, the one that can save me.  The one I know so well with a guaranteed success rate of alleviating pain and facilitating greater contentment with life.  And as I sat there preparing to not actually practice I thought of the work that would require of me.  The energy, focus and resilience to overcome what has me stuck.  I thought I was looking at a hurdle but today it was a mountain.
         I told myself, "getting on the mat is good enough."  I think there is truth to that sentiment.  I am sure I am better for the morning from that meditative time and attention to my mind, body and the natural world around me.  Yet, there is this sharp undertone of pressure I am navigating.  On one hand I feel a sense of success that I made it onto the mat but on the other hand a sense of utter failure for refusing to give myself the medicine of movement I so desperately need.  I am letting myself down.  Another morning practice lost.  I have failed.  I am doomed.  Pain is all around me and this is my life now.  Say goodbye to healthy loving relationships, say goodbye to my beauty and wit.  The stagnancy looks terminal when I beat myself up like this.